It’s time for the whole new-year-new-me crap! So let’s break down the main resolutions and what will really happen if I make them.
1- Resolution: I will work out
What will really happen: I will go to the overcrowded gym the first week or two of January and start making excuses to skip the gym for the next 50 weeks, always reminding myself and everybody around me “khallas, next week for sure!”
2- Resolution: I will eat healthy
What will really happen: I will try to home cook my meals, and take my food to work, try to stick to an eating schedule. But I will get so bored of the bland tastes by mid-next week, forget to bring back my Tupperware and will say yes to the next person at the office who suggests a delivery order
3- Resolution: I will save money
What will really happen: I will go for drinks at Happy Hour, you know, cause I’m thrifty, and then get drunk enough to buy everybody rounds of drinks way past the Happy Hour aforementioned. Friends will get married, have kids and pass a kidney stone, so if it’s not rounds of drinks, it will be congratulatory gifts that will be the end of me.
4- Resolution: I will be nicer to people
What will really happen: people are idiots, ruin my day and the vein on my forehead will pop by day 2 post new year.
5- Resolution: I will learn a new skill
What will really happen: subscribe to an online Spanish course, get excited about it for the first 24 hrs, and then forget my login password. I try to cancel my monthly subscription fee, but instead, I watch my credit card being charged 19.99$ per month for the whole year, and just repeatedly yell “PUTA” – the only word I learned… from a series I watched.
6- Resolution: I will focus on self-care
What will really happen: I will buy a dozen sheet face masks, apply them once a week, and hope that my crushing debt will be resolved, my job will not suck anymore, my mom will be proud of me, my chakras will align and the environment will be spotless.
7- Resolution: I will take up a hobby
What will really happen: I research for a few weeks the best hobby I relate to. Then I discover it either costs a lot of money, it’s too boring or it’s too exhausting. I give up and stick to my main hobby: binge watching series.